If you would like to write and
ask me some "advice" questions, here's the address:
TAL@theangrylesbian.net
Copy and paste the address into your email package.
I'm trying not to get spammed to death here by making
this address a true link. Thank you !!!
| Dear
TAL: You
are out with your girlfriend, and someone starts flirting with
them. Sometimes it is even a friend. Who do you blame for this,
your friend or girlfriend, and how would you put a stop to it??
--G |
Dear Inquisitive G: I'd
put a stop to it with a garden hose. Spray 'em both down. --TAL |
Dear Angry Lesbian: I've
been sleeping with a woman from work and she already has a girlfriend? |
| Dear
Completely Silly Person: Selfish wasn't exactly the word I had in mind; STUPID is more like it. Remember, things end as they begin. Do you for one minute believe that even if she leaves her current girlfriend, that you are SO SPECIAL, she will never cheat on you? Go to your garage, grab your biggest hammer and smack yourself in the head with it. This will be far less PAIN than you will endure when her patterns take YOU DOWN should you continue this. Have some self respect and go find a single girl who will not behave like this toward you or anyone else. Oh, and did I mention sleeping with someone at work puts you in the category of "Chump of the Year?" TAL |
Dear
Angry Lesbian: I've recently met someone I like a lot and wanna impress her. Can you tell me what the best beer on the market is these days?!? |
| Ah,
the beer question. That's a tough one. You sure it's possible to
IMPRESS someone with BEER? I guess it depends on what you DO with
the beer. Shake it up, insert strategically while removing thumb
from neck of bottle. You get the picture. I'll attempt an answer: Budweiser, the King of Beers -- often hung out of truck windows by partying illegals while hurtling down the freeway at 83 MPH. The whistling and nasty gestures are sure to get most females to pull over and drop their pants. Coors, for the Naturalist -- tastes like it was brewed at the base of some nasty mildewed tree. Dos XX, Supremo -- I could swear Mexico just moved North. I hear no English being spoken in North Texas...anywhere. Dundee
Honey Brown, my personal favorite -- the honey taste hides the
taste of the Spanish Fly I just put in her beer to "impress"
her. I'm thinking you should go with this one. |
| Dear
Angry Lesbian: I suspect my girlfriend may be cheating on me but I have no proof. What might she be doing that would offer me some proof in this matter? |
Well,
Dipshit, you might look for things such as these: |
1.
She doesn't sleep with you anymore and has, in fact, moved into
her own bedroom. |
2.
Suddenly, although NEVER interested before, she MUST have a cell
phone. I might add that she declines the detailed billing which YOU might have access to when opening the mail. |
3.
She shops a LOT but never brings a brand new thing home and seems
to spend a lot of time "returning" things to the store where she bought them. |
4
. There's a new medication in the medicine chest near "her"
bedroom in the house. You actually might want to note the name of the meds to see if it's something YOU might catch. |
5.
She leaves her raincoat on the porch swing and you call work knowing
she might need it. Her coworker says she's "out to lunch" at the restaurant she's professed to HATE and will never attend with you. Might be a good idea to cruise on down the freeway to deliver said raincoat. You might actually find her, head to head, in a parked car with her new lover. You can then put all of her things on the front lawn and start one helluva bonfire. Party on ! TAL |
Dear
Angry Lesbian, My girlfriend has all of a sudden lost weight, wears make up, and keeps her cell phone in the car? Should I be concerned or respect her privacy?? Confused Lesbian |
Privacy...what
the fuck is privacy when you're supposed to be WITH someone? Hell
no, girl, start using every available means of electronic "lesbionage".
(Thank you Helga for the term) If she has a laptop, plant some
software that records every keystroke she makes. Find a "sniffer"
device to pick up her cell phone conversations. Try having sex
with her at your "normal" frequency rate. If she's turning
you down consistently, she's got some trim on the side. Start
planning your exit. And mostly, find the hottest "hottie"
you can find and get some. Pay back is one terrible motherfucker. |
Dear
Angry Lesbian, If you only had one day left in your life, how would you spend it? |
You
really need to ask this of me? I'd boink 15 hot chicas, drink
a gallon of Killian's Red, eat Lemon Pepper Wings, watch porn
and pass out... never to wake up again. (I may actually post a
serious answer later. Don't hold your breath though or you'll
die before I do.) TAL |
Being
the sexy Italian that you are, of all your favorite positions,
what position do you like best when you're the receiver? |
Are
you silly? Have you lost your mind? You know I would never answer
this type of question. Besides, who ever said I was a "receiver"?
You assume too much, my dear. Well, I guess that WAS a bit of
an answer, huh? TAL |
|
Dear
Angry Lesbian:
Recently, I was leaving my doctor’s office within a hospital building. When the elevator doors opened, I stepped into the empty elevator. I was followed in by a hot delivery girl. When the doors closed, it was only she and I sharing the elevator. Her back was to me as she stood to the right, and in front of me, by the elevator buttons. She was about 32, 5’5’’, and 115 lbs and I was enjoying my view of her gorgeous behind. Just as the elevator doors closed and the elevator was descending, her eyes met mine. Oooops. And I was caught! She smiled, and her eyes searched mine for a subtle sign. Her gaydar was wide open. I gave her a small smile and backed up as she came towards me. She started telling me who she worked for, it was her last delivery of the day, and her apartment was just two or three blocks away… she was hungry and considering getting a bite to eat… and her eyes never left mine. It was only a second or two before she had me backed into the corner of the elevator…her body only a millimeter or two from mine. She could see my desire and I could definitely feel hers. She was facing me still as elevator stopped and the doors opened. She told me she wanted me to come with her without actually coming out and saying it. (She was still trying to remain in the “safe zone” of a casual conversation.) As I walked out towards the huge parking lot, she followed me… still talking of her nice apartment and where a good place to eat would be. I finally stopped briefly to say that I still had a lot of things to do and that I had a “friend”…. Her eyes slowly dropped and she slowly walked away, clearly discouraged. I continued to walk away, fighting the urge to go with her, but I have never been one to jump into bed with a stranger. After I found my car and got in, I paused a second to look up, to catch one last glimpse of this hot delivery girl, but she was gone. She never even told me her name. What would TAL have done? My
silly little friend! Need you ask? You MUST KNOW what I would
have done. First, I would have visited the trunk of my handy little
Slug Bug for my Chica Kit. (Makeup kit with: gloves, lube, condoms
and one toy) Next, I would really survey the parking lot hard
to make sure this was not some kind of a setup. On the way to
her place, I would have called a friend and given my exact location
lest she be some kind of crazed serial killer. (At least they'd
find my body). With all precautions in place, the boinking would
commence; I'd miss work the next day, but boy would I be FIRED
in a happy state. --TAL |
| Dear Angry Lesbian: I
was in a relationship (marriage, you could say) for 7 years with
my partner, we broke up almost 2 years ago. I am ready to date,
and possibly be in a relationship again. The question posed is:
how do I know, I mean, do I get to know someone and become friends
with them and then lovers? Or am I going to feel this ohhhh so
powerful feeling (I shouldn't say where) and then go for it? And
because I am good friends with my ex, this kind of throws a twist
in the dating, some women aren't friends with their ex's and don't
understand our friendship...It's so weird dating! I must say!
:) |
| Dating, schmating...it's all about the boinking. You can choose to be friends first, but ultimately, you're going to boink, get the U-Haul, live together for exactly FOUR years, break up and start prowling again. FUCK IT. I just say, go with whatever moves you at the time. After all, the Twin Towers fell, and all great plans for those people went to waste. And if someone wants to erase your history with your Ex, FUCK THEM, and what I mean is....DON'T FUCK them. History is history, good or bad, and no one new will ever carve out that part of you that she had (and apparently still has as friends only). Besides, she lives in another freaking city, correct? Do yo thang, sista. Live it up - you're single! Live today because your tomorrow may never come. |
