The Twilight Zone
I Think I Actually Live in It

One Wednesday, after my Therapy session, I went to a local pub to wait out the Traffuck. I ended up staying later than I planned because I started talking to a cute young thing who was in town for only a few days.

Since I knew the band members, I walked up to the edge of the stage during their set and flipped the Double Bird at the drummer. He responded in kind while NEVER missing a beat on the skins.

After their set was over, I went back up to the stage again, but this time while flipping the bird, I YELLED, "Kevin, YOU SUCK!!!!!" as loudly as I could. The ENTIRE club audience turned to look at me...some of them quite shocked.

"Oops", I thought, "I wasn't planning on getting lynched tonight." So, the next words out of my mouth in this LESBIAN Bar were, "It's okay. We're married!"
The drummer DIED laughing....his face turning red as I walked away towards the bathroom. (Most of the crowd actually believed me.)

But that's not even the weird part. Miss Thang, the young one, wanted me to take her back to her hotel. On the way there, she kept TOUCHING me while I was trying to drive. (Amazing how much better I look when GIRLZ are DRUNK.) I kept telling her, "You gotta stop it or I'm gonna crash."

I ended up driving her all over town since she did not know at which Radisson she was actually housed. Once we finally played Pin the Tail on the Hotel and got the right one, I went to the front desk to check the price of rooms since she was bunking in with her mother and grandmother. (And she wanted a large chunka ME so it appeared.) I didn't think doing her in front of family would be too polite.

"How much is a room here?"

"$175 for a single."

Bubble cloud just over my head while looking at said girl....
"SEE YA !! You're cute but not THAT cute!!!"

Instead, I said, "That's a little out of my range. Let me walk you back to your room."

I did the U-turn onto the access road and I'll be damned if those freakin' blue and red lights didn't turn on AGAIN. This time, it appears I did not have my lights on while leaving this well-lit hotel. Ya see, in a Slug Bug, the lights are always on when the engine starts. Who was I to notice that my TAIL LIGHTS weren't on?

Fortunately, my eyeballs were on good behavior that night, I followed the pen light to a T and was released to GO HOME. My love of the Police has been greatly enhanced over the last several months.

So...shaking....I went back TO THE BAR to talk to my friends again sans one very young drunk girl. When I got there, I started chatting up an even hotter one but someone else moved in and snagged her while I was standing there in mid-sentence. (Apparently, THIS ONE, was not yet drunk enough to find me fuckable.)

But...a Black Man of 5'5", trolling in a Lesbian Bar, walked up, talked for a bit and then proceeded to Play Tonsil Pool with me. I pushed him off and said,
"Dude, do you know you're in a Lesbian Bar?"

He pushed my hand down to his rather impressive BOA snake and said, "You'd be surprised how LUCKY I get in this place."

"Well, not tonight, Johnny Firehose. I'm going home." And this time, I did.

Signing Off,

The Snake Charmin' Angry Lesbian
10/09/06