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Yes,
I Did
My Mother Is
Appalled....
Last
week, I visited an Oncologist for the first time. He came
highly recommended by my Koo Koo friend from Boston. In
fact, she has a MAD crush on him and I can see why. Being
one of the most well respected Doctors in this major Urban
area, I waited from 10:00 to almost 12:30 before I laid
eyes on this dude. After visiting the front desk to see
if he had forgotten me, I was then stashed away in one of
the exam rooms. My pager went off furiously for those 2
and 1/2 hours. When he finally walked in, I said, "Well,
there you are!"
He
did his quick interview and then disappeared again. In fact,
10 seconds after he sat down with me, his pager went off
again. Very popular guy - he is.
So,
yet more waiting and a urine test. Then, his nurse walks
in and says, "I'll bet I know what this is for"
and she deposits this little dip stick in the jar and leaves.
Geez, why were these people always LEAVING? Do you mean
they actually had OTHER patients? heh heh
When
she finally entered the room again I said, "Was that
a pregnancy test? Cuz if it was and I turned out pregnant,
it would be DIVINE conception! I haven't been with anyone
in a long, long time. I KNOW I have YOU beat."
The
argument bounced back and forth and she finally started
really laughing. She actually WON the contest in that she
had not been with anyone in 3 years. Holy crap! She was
cute too. Can you imagine???
So,
Homer reappears, sticks me in the stirrups, cranks me open
and bats fly out...just imagine his shock and surprise.
He then cleared away the cobwebs and proceeded with the
exam.
My Loony friend from Boston had WARNED him that I was a
"Pistol" and to be prepared. So...I said to him
(while he was under the sheet), "Hey, my friend says
you're a full service Doctor. Would you mind getting anything
I might have missed?"...and I held up this Bic Razor,
bright yellow. The nurse fell out, he peeped over the sheet,
ducked back under and said, "Doesn't look like you
missed ANYTHING to me."
I'll
skip the details of the rest of the visit but can you say
PAIN?????
When
I called my mom later that evening, I said to her:
"Guess
what I did?"
"Oh
Lord, what NOW?"
And
I related the razor story to her.
Horrified,
she rather emphatically said, "DAUGHTER, you MUST learn
to BEHAVE!!!!!!!!!"
Gee
Ma, don't you get it by now? I'm NEVER going to learn. EVER.
It's NOT going to happen. Besides, the poor guy deals with
DEATH and the dying all day long. I'm sure he appreciated
the laugh.
My
poor mother will never get me and she will go to the grave
wondering which Alien swapped places with her baby in the
hospital.
The
Totally Irreverent, Angry Lesbian
09/06/06
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