South Korea
And Our Lovely Bus Driver

Back in the day, on one of our trips to South Korea, we had a rather handsome and burly Black bus driver named (changed here) Kelvin. He was so strong, he could pick up our 275 pound amp rack and fling it off the bus... solo. I don't know if he did this because he was trying to impress the "round-eyed" girls with his strength or just because he COULD.

Kelvin, on one trip, told us all about his prison guard days (pre-military) and showed us the gunshot wound scar he had on his right calf. Once again, was he trying to impress us?

He also made clear his criteria for dating women...they had to have good teeth and acceptable feet. Or at least, that's what I called his "requirements". He also made no bones about letting us know that I was the one he wanted to date at the current time. This dude had NO CLUE that I was a LESBIAN and dating my drummer girl. So, as the heat pressed on and the pressure increased, I simply told him, "I have someone back home. And, I'm NOT a cheat."

Can you say, "suddenly lazy???" The amp rack and the other equipment were moved no more by this big fella. Once "Mister Man" found out he wasn't gonna hit the clam, he moved not one muscle to help out other than driving the stupid bus. (Surly attitude and all)

Last year, at Christmastime an odd thing happened. The band, all five of us, somehow started a round robin email barrage in which we copied each other.

I reminded my singer and bass player of certain sayings the rest of us would be shouting out in the bus. Neither of these two had any recollection whatsoever.

The email thread went something like this:

"errr...umm...I hate to admit it, but I never knew who Miss Flavano was either.
The name just always made me giggle.
I love you girls!
Happy Holidays!"
Demi (Our Lead Singer)

"Oh Holy Christos on a Cracker!!! Apparently, you were far too busy trimming your hair in the front of the bus to EVEN understand. I think even Kelvin (who totally wanted me) understood all of this. :) Gunshot wound and all.....
Happy Christmas."
The Totally Angry Lesbian.

"I am so glad that I'm not the only one who didn't know Miss Flavano. Thank God! I felt a little aloofly lonely for a minute."
Kate (Our Bass Player)

"K. So apparently....it was only Helga and Press and ME who were paying attention to the screaming in the bus. What in the hell does that say? Oh...and let's not forget Kelvin (who TOTALLY wanted me since I had good teeth and acceptable feet) ....his criteria.....Gunshot wound and all..."
TAL

"K. No one should laugh this hard. I am about to throw up. I think I am just BORED.
Merry Christmas Bovine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me ( the angriest lesbian on Planet Earth, Mars and Saturn)

"I am TOTALLY killing myself here tonight. Perhaps I am just BORED."
TAL

"You should have bedded him, sacrificed for the band, taken one for the team. After all, we ended up moving all that damn equipment ourselves from then on."
Press, Our Guitar Player

And perhaps this is WHY we made it work for three plus years and toured many places in the world. We're ALL certifiably insane.

I wonder what happened to Kelvin...gunshot wound and all?

The Bus Driver Loving,

Angry Lesbian
08/13/06