Final Cry
I Really Hope This Is It

This morning I just stood in my kitchen and wailed. My face in my hands, I could NOT stop crying. Then I went into my bedroom, fell onto the bed and wailed some more. My dogs ran outside because they just didn't know what to think. Poor critters. I tried to explain to the oldest one that I'm grieving the loss of my friend much like she did several months ago. We all lost our little Schipperke to cancer and it was really ugly. My Border Collie grieved for six months, I swear. She just was not herself.

This cannot continue much longer. I just can't take it. I am praying to God for relief but it's just not coming. I cry as I type now.

I don't understand people. How can our hearts have such kindness and cruelty that coexist in the same chest? I am only hoping that I have learned my own lessons and will never inflict harm on another.

I will call my sister in law today to accompany me to the gym when I finally stop crying. I am lucky and my brother is lucky to have her. She's a kind soul, a great mom, a beautiful woman and a great defender of mine. My sister says she is Yoda and that I should run any new person by her for the acid test. I think I will do that in the future. Obviously, MY judgment is no good.

Signing Off,

The Wailing Angry Lesbian
12/04/05