Christmas Eve

The Big Butt Story

Wow! I decided to write the Big Butt Story tonight and ironically when looking back at the journal in which it is written, the date is 12/24/04. How's that for strange? And on top of that, today is the two month anniversary of the day I caught them together.

So, I guess the story's a shoe in. I want to remember happier times tonight. There were a lot of those. So...here's how the story was written one year ago today. I never dreamed I'd be without her on Christmas Eve 2005....home alone.

12/24/04
Today, tonight to exact, I made the biggest mistake any man or woman could ever make - and got away with it!!! The mistake was to use the words "big" and "butt" (well almost) in the same sentence.

My girlfriend, whose butt is small and rather cute, has gained just a few pounds since we met. Consequently, she constantly calls herself fat. We're lying on my bed after her Christmas Eve conversation with her mom when she declares "It's time to scratch my back!"

She's lying face down while I'm on my back scratching her and I throw my legs over onto her posterior and begin thrashing them around across her rather firm bum. And then...it HAPPENED. The words just burst forth and I had no CONTROL. "I love throwing my legs across your Big" ....the word, BUTT, thankfully, never made it out of my mouth. And, I don't even think she heard my remark because she was too busy making strange noises to match my leg thrashing.

THIS was too much for me. I began laughing hysterically and could not stop. She assumed my laughter was due to the rather odd tones emanating from her throat. This made me laugh all the more knowing that I had narrowly escaped DEATH this Christmas Eve of 2004. Any SANE person knows that you have exactly 3.2 seconds to live if you use the words BIG and BUTT in the same sentence regarding your spouse, lover, girlfriend, coworker, mother or sister.

Welcome Santa Claus. Goodbye Grim Reaper.

Signing Off,

The Lonely Angry Lesbian
12/24/05