Cheese
Many moons ago, when walking through one of the local malls, my friend and
I spotted a Hickory Farms up ahead. Excited, because they would surely have
samples, we picked up the pace and headed straight for the goodie table.
We both grabbed some cheese, oblivious to which flavor we might have snagged.
She started gobbling hers, but as I got mine close to my mouth, my nose
turned up and I said, "EWWWWW!" This was perhaps the SMELLIEST
of all cheeses on the Planet Earth. Horrified and desperately searching
for a trash can, I found not one. My mom told me not to litter, so I knew
I couldn't just chunk it on the mall floor. After all, she ATTEMPTED to
"raise me right."
That's when I spotted my receptacle. It was cold outside, so many people inside the mall were still wearing their jackets. A cute little family strolled up ahead of us trying to do some early Christmas shopping. A boy of about six, directly in front of me, had a jacket on -- complete with a Hood. There it was!!! My savior and the resting place for my smelly cheese -- his hood. So I picked up the pace, gently tugged his hood open and deposited my "prize".
My friend (I suspect one of my ex girlies), wide-eyed, fell over to the left, doubled over with laughter and choked out, "I cannot believe you just did that."
I just shrugged my shoulders and walked on.
Then, it hit me and I started laughing hysterically. I pictured the little family crawling back into their mini-van. Buckled in and ready to ride, mom suddenly starts sniffing the air wondering what that horrific smell is. I could just see her turning to her little boy and saying, "Honey, did you make doodie in your pants?"
And then, better yet, what if she discovered the cheese in his hood. She would be scratching her head for YEARS wondering how it got there. See, I'm "eleven" and playing jokes on other unsuspecting children....which brings us to case #2.
Don't Take ME To Dinner
At a family dinner at a local restaurant, I quickly became bored as everyone else sat around the table yacking. I noticed some really cute kids at the table beside ours and decided to mess with them. I grabbed a sugar packet, and to cover my intentions, started to speak to one of our group WHILE I hurled the thing in their direction.
BONK! Target found, it smacked one of the little boys right in the head. Well, that started it. He accused the other little kid across the table of nailing him and threw something of his own right back at him. The fight ensued, back and forth, back and forth. Not to be left out, I hurled a second packet while neither of the boys was looking. BONK! Once again, I found my target and more mayhem broke loose.
At this point, the kids' parents were getting pissed off and told the boys to stop or they were going to get a whipping. I couldn't resist, I chunked one more sugar packet but this time, one of the little buggars caught me.
"HEY! You're the one who's been throwing things! Mom! That lady's throwing things at us."
Can you say STARE DOWN?? The old folks acted like I had committed Capital Murder when I was just having some fun with the kids. My mom dragged me out of there and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." Hee, hee....I certainly was NOT. I had started a food fight at a Harrigan's restaurant and was damn proud of it. Geez, I wish people would just lighten up!
Signing Off,
The "Eleven-Year-Old"
Angry Lesbian
11/05/06